After a fretful night, Niamh called me in the morning to let me know that Cara came home, safe and sound. I had tossed and turned, worrying about my little sister, so I thanked her for calling me and asked Niamh to put her on the phone.
“I’m fine!” was the first thing Cara said, before I could even get a question in. “I’m sorry you were worried.”
“Where were you?” After she fled the Beirut Café and I made an idiot of myself in front of Andy, I snuck out the back and collapsed into a taxi home. Kate and Tenneh had been texting me all night, but I insisted they focus on praying Cara was safe. I’m not the one we should be concentrating on! I texted back.
On the other end of the phone, Cara sighed. “With a friend,” she said evasively. “I needed to be alone, okay? I’m fine. I didn’t do anything stupid.”
We let that statement hang for a second, not saying anything. We both knew Cara meant she hadn’t done anything else stupid. “It’s okay,” I told her.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. It’s okay. I’m fine.”
“Tenneh has been praying for you,” I said.
That touched a nerve. “I’m okay!” Cara roared, and I could tell she was crying.
“You didn’t need to run off like that. You know we love you…no one is angry. Which friend did you stay with?” For some reason, I wondered if she had gone to the guy she had been seeing, the father of the child. Did he know she’d had an abortion?
“Look, I called my counsellor. I’m not stupid – she told me I should call her when I felt bad, and so I did.”
I was surprised by this turn of events. “You stayed with your counsellor?” Was that even professional?
Cara chuckled harshly. “No, of course not. She suggested I call someone in the support group, this girl I like. I have friends, you know.” Cara’s voice softened. “It was great being able to go to someone who understands how I feel.”
I couldn’t wait to tell Tenneh and Kate how our prayers had been answered. I was so glad Cara was all right, and that she had a support system in place. “We just all worried about you, but I’m so happy that you were okay, with people who can support you.”
“Lisa, you support me! It’s just that these people understand. They’ve been through it.”
“One day you’ll be strong enough not to have to run away,” I assured her. “You know you don’t have to be ashamed.”
“Yes I do,” she insisted. “It’s something that will never leave me. When I see parents with children, I have to realise I chose not to do that. When I meet people who are unable to have children, I have to face that I could, but I didn’t. It’s not easy Lisa, but it’s something I did, and something I have to come to terms with.”
Tears came to my eyes. “I just don’t want you to suffer.”
“I’m not suffering!” She paused, and I could hear her blow her nose. “Lisa, we all suffer in one way or another. It was just hard for me to face someone who had been raped and was pregnant from that. I feel like such a spoiled brat next to her.”
I didn’t say anything, as I could see what she meant. It was hard enough for anyone to hear horror stories of abuse and crime, but imagine being in the position of privilege of choosing while the other person was a victim from the beginning.
“So where does the pro-life brigade stand on that?” Cara asked me suddenly, her tone vicious. “I know they don’t approve of me, but what do they say to someone like Tenneh’s sister?”
It was just like talking to Niamh of old. Actually, it would have been great if Niamh had ever been that direct; she usually just made some snide comment under her breath. Any time I wanted to call her out on that, she made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing. But Cara was accusing me and my friends of being insensitive, something we weren’t.
“We’re not a brigade,” I replied. “And we don’t have anything to say to someone who has been raped. What must you think of me…that I would be cold and hard to someone who’re been victimised!”
“You don’t think it’s okay for someone to abort a rape baby!”
I cringed. “It’s never a rape baby…it’s a baby. And an abortion won’t unrape the poor woman. But no, Cara, I don’t think anyone should be forced to have a baby. I don’t like the killing of an unborn child, but I don’t think I have the right to tell anyone what they should do. I cry when I think of what happened to Tenneh and her sister. I don’t know the right answer, but I don’t have to. That’s for God.”
Cara was silent. I closed my eyes and thought of Tenneh and her sister, Hannah. They were both such strong, delightful women. I hated to think of their past, but Tenneh says you are not your past. They survived, and now are happy to be symbols of strength and hope to all of us. Mostly, they’re just happy to be alive, and be joyful.
“You should meet them,” I said finally, opening my eyes. “Cara, you should meet Tenneh, and her sister. Talk to them…they are the most incredible people. They are so full of love and hope, after all that has happened to them…” I broke off. “I haven’t even met Hannah, but Tenneh says she’s amazing. You feel bad Cara, but you don’t have to.”
“She’ll hate me,” Cara whimpered.
“Of course she won’t. If anyone understands that life is hard, they do. They’re Christians – they don’t condemn people. Will you meet them?”
“No.” Cara’s voice was shaky, but strong. “No, I won’t. I’m not ready.”
I took a deep breath. “It takes a lot of strength to say that,” I told my sister. “When you’re ready, you can meet them…in your own time. I’m going to meet them, and I’ll say hello for you.”
“It would be better if they hated me,” Cara said in a small voice.
“Cara, please take it easy on yourself. No one hates you, not even you. You made a mistake…you’re allowed to do that. You’re human. It was a big mistake, but it’s over.”
“I feel so bad,” she whispered.
I felt like I was holding out a life ring to my sister, and I was starting to lose my grip. I didn’t know what to say to her. “When’s your next counselling session?” I asked instead, trying to focus on the positive. “You should tell your counsellor how you’re feeling.”
“The session is next week, but I’m going to call her this afternoon. And then I’m going to the support group meeting. A lot of people feel like I do. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it’s great not to be alone.” For the first time in a long while, I heard her genuinely laugh.
“That’s great, Cara. It’s really good that you’re not alone in this.”
“I’m sorry I push you away…you and Niamh. Please don’t worry about me.”
“Oh, Cara.”
She laughed again. “So tell Kate I’m fine…and tell Tenneh too. I would like to get to know her and her sister, but not yet.” The sound was suddenly muffled on Cara’s end, and after a few moments, Niamh came on the line.
“Hi, it’s Niamh…Cara was just saying sorry to me, and that I shouldn’t worry.” I heard a brief exchange between Cara and Niamh. “Oh, and she says you shouldn’t worry either!” Niamh sighed. “ I wish I were as close to my sister as Cara is to you.”
I heard Cara say what I was thinking, that it wasn’t easy. She took the phone from Niamh. “Just kidding!” she sang. I shook my head – it wasn’t easy. The relationship I had with Cara was completely different from the ones I had with my other sisters. Not being able to talk with Muiread or Trish about Cara’s problems was hard on me, as I looked to them for advice. I had to let Cara tell them what she’d done, and I had to give her time to do that. In the meantime, I could talk to Kate, but it wouldn’t be the same. I was never one for secrets. It just wasn’t something we did in my family.
“Tell Niamh thanks again for calling me. We’re not keeping tabs on you, but we did worry,” I told Cara. “Why don’t we all have brunch on Sunday? You, me, Kate and Niamh?” There was silence on the line, and I knew Cara was hesitating. “I’m not asking you to go to church with us. Just four friends having brunch.”
“You know, Kate isn’t my friend,” Cara said slowly. “I’m not saying I dislike her, but that setup is your group of friends, now that Niamh has gone Christian.”
I blinked hard, taking this in. Cara was right – that was my group, especially now that Niamh was coming to church. “Well, I’m just doing the inviting. Why don’t you ask one of your friends, then?”
Cara didn’t take the suggestion. “Why don’t we do it like we did in the old days…just us two, meeting for a coffee.” I remembered those days, and smiled. Just me and my sister, meeting up to have a chat and spend time together.