Cara found her purse once we got back to my flat, and amazingly, she had what she owed me in cash. “Thanks for everything,” she said brusquely after paying me, and started heading for the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Home,” she grumbled. “I have work tomorrow.”
“Maybe you should take a day off.”
She rolled her eyes at the suggestion. “I’ll start counselling Tuesday. Until then, I think I have things in hand.” Remembering the previous night, I raised my eyebrows. “Look, the worst part was having to tell you. That’s done, now. Now I have to get back to my life.”
I made a face. I didn’t believe one word Cara was saying, and I highly doubted she did, either. I didn’t want to argue – it was best to let Cara realise she couldn’t go on as if nothing had happened. “I’ll take you home,” I offered.
“I can take the bus,” Cara sighed.
“It’s not every day your sister is willing to be your chauffeur.” As far as I was concerned, it wasn’t up for discussion. I twirled my car keys in one hand and went out the door first.
“I don’t want to talk,” Cara mumbled.
I shrugged. “Okay.”
“Don’t you have things to do?” Cara asked, but I could tell she had given up on trying to dissuade me. She had one last stipulation before getting into the car. “No more praying!”
I shook my head. “I’ll do it silently.” I’d been doing the red light prayer for so long now, it was almost second-nature. Cara said nothing for the whole drive to her flat, and I didn’t attempt to start a conversation. It had been so long since I missed Church on a Sunday, I wondered what I was going to do with the day. Normally, Kate and I would have brunch with friends from our bible study. I considered going to the gym after I dropped Cara off, but then I figured I wouldn’t be dropping her off. I had to make sure she was okay – I couldn’t just leave her.
Niamh was in when we got to Cara’s flat. She greeted us with a big smile at the door. “So…how’d it go?”
“Fine!” Cara said tersely. Niamh wouldn’t be put off by getting her head bitten off.
“Did you arrange counselling?” she asked.
“YES!” Cara stomped off to her bedroom. I went to follow, but Niamh held me back.
“I’ll check on her later. How are you?”
It was a strange question – I wasn’t the one who had done something she was ashamed of. “Everyone is worried about me – the emergency doctor you found us was brilliant. But he said I might want to go to counselling with Cara.”
“I’m not surprised. You and Cara are close…it was really hard for her to tell you.”
“You’re the one who told me,” I pointed out.
“I know, but Cara really needs your support.” Switching gears, Niamh grabbed my shoulders excitedly. “I really liked your church!”
It took me a second to take in what she was saying. “This is not something I ever dreamed would come out of your mouth.”
Niamh laughed. “Tell me about it!” She looked serious again. “Lisa, I just wanted to say…the way you’ve been there for Cara is amazing. I don’t need to tell you what I used to think you were like, but you and Kate have opened my eyes. You’re so non-judgemental…so supportive…I know you don’t want me to apologise to you anymore, but I had you all wrong. I’m so ashamed for being such a rude bitch to you…”
I was getting tired of this conversation. If you had told me a few weeks ago that Niamh would apologise to me about her behaviour, I not only would never have believed you, I would have revelled in her saying sorry. But now I kept thinking about how our pastor tells us when God forgives us, he frees us from the past. I didn’t want to think about how Niamh was before, and how I dreaded seeing her. Things were different now, and I was glad. “So…you liked church?”
“I have the bulletin somewhere…the sermon was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Your pastor talked about his life, admitting his doubts and struggles.” She shook her head. “Mass was never like this…it was all fire and brimstone, and how everyone was sinning and wrong. We used to think Protestants were stiff and snobbish West Brits, but everyone was so warm and welcoming. There was actually a moment in the service where the pastor encouraged us to talk with the people around us – I never spoke to anyone in church before. And Kate knows everybody!”
I remembered the first few times that I dared say good morning to the people in neighbouring pews in church. It seemed so alien, and I was so embarrassed, but the other people actually made eye contact and wished me good morning as well. And they seemed like they meant it, because they would wish me a good rest of the day when the service was over. They would actually keep talking, asking me about my day and inviting me to brunch. And yes, Niamh was right – it seemed like Kate knew everyone. I was afraid I’d be alone and isolated while she chatted to a million and one people, but she never let me out of her sight. Not that she needed to – I had enough people to talk to. I met Tommy my third time in church.
“I think church would be good for Cara,” Niamh said. I nodded, but couldn’t picture her going. “Having a sense of community is good for you when you’ve had a major life event.”
I thought about this. “You know, I honestly couldn’t tell you who my community was before church,” I told Niamh. “I had one, I think…it was a loose bunch of friends…” Who promptly dumped me once Peter had!
“I know what you mean. There’s your family, and your friends, but everyone seems to drift away with time. I couldn’t tell you when the last time I saw anyone from university was, aside from Cara.”
“What about your family?”
Niamh cringed. “I pretty much come from a broken home,” she admitted. She offered me a cup of tea, and we went into the kitchen.
“Should we ask Cara if she wants one?”
Niamh turned the kettle on, and then went to check on Cara. While she was gone, I tried to think of what I knew about Niamh. Aside from her profession and how she knew Cara, I really didn’t know a lot about her. But what she said about being from a broken home made sense; I had sensed that her being so liberal-minded about morality was connected to her not having much confidence in the family.
Niamh came back after a moment, frowning. “She says she’s all right and doesn’t want anything,” she reported. “I’ll take in a cup for her, though.”
Niamh went to put teabags into the teapot, but I stopped her from getting out three cups. “She says she’s okay…if she wants a cup, she’ll come out and get it.”
“Don’t be harsh!” Niamh chided.
“I’m not…I just don’t think we should treat her with kid gloves.”
“I agree.” Unexpectedly, Cara had come to the kitchen. Niamh and I both froze, and Cara pushed past us to get out a cup. “I wish you guys wouldn’t talk about me when I’m not here, but I guess that’s too much to ask.”
“We’re worried about you…that’s all,” Niamh said.
“Well, don’t.” The kettle had boiled and Cara poured hot water into the teapot.
“We love you…of course we’re going to worry.” I put a hand on Cara’s shoulder, which she shrugged off after a second. “I know everybody worried about me after Peter and I broke up.”
“Well then you probably remember how sick you got of that.”
She was being abrupt about the lowest point in my life again, but it wasn’t drawing blood as it had of late. “You never get tired of people loving you.”
Cara rolled her eyes and poured herself a cup of tea. She held up the teapot. “Anyone else?”
I liked my tea strong, and so did Niamh, apparently. We both shook our heads. “Suit yourselves,” Cara said, putting the teapot down and left the kitchen.
Niamh looked at me. “It’s okay not to like her very much right now…isn’t it?”
I laughed. I liked Cara just fine. She had to come to terms with what she’d done and how she felt about it, just I would have to. “Don’t expect her to be all vulnerable,” I advised. “I know my sister. This is going to be a healing process that will take time.”
Niamh poured an experimental bit of tea into her cup. It looked strong enough, so she poured us both a cup. “You know, I’ve really been thinking about where I stand on the abortion issue,” she told me as we sat at the table. “I thought I knew before. I thought I was pro-choice, but after seeing how Cara has been suffering with the decision she made…”
“I never believed it when Christian counsellors told us a woman is more likely to be suicidal after having an abortion,” I admitted. “I kept thinking about the X case, and how I believed that poor girl did want to kill herself instead of having her rapist’s baby.”
“As a nurse, I can tell you the hormonal changes in your body after a pregnancy is interrupted will mess with your head.”
“I just got sick of hearing people argue against abortion,” I sighed. “I mean, it’s not legal here, so who exactly are they trying to impress by marching against it?”
Niamh nodded. “So many people were afraid that we would get pressure from the EU about legalizing it. But that’s never happened. Anyway, we’re not the only country in the EU where it’s not legal!”
I sipped my tea, thinking it over. “I’m not pro-choice,” I admitted. Not after seeing what it had done to Cara. “But I don’t want to be one of these people who sits in judgement over everyone else. I don’t want to march in a pro-life protest, and I don’t want to hand out pictures of destroyed foetuses. I want to tell these people who find themselves in that situation that they’re not alone. That’s it’s not something new, something no one has ever gone through before or will go through again. That they don’t have to keep the baby and raise it. That God loves them.” I was starting to cry, so I wiped my eyes. “And I want women who’ve had an abortion to know that God still loves them, and forgives them.”
Niamh was wiping eyes as well. “I’m so glad to hear you say that. I thought you would be just like those eejits you see in front of the central bank with their posters, condemning everyone, but you’re not. Lisa, I’m not pro-choice either.” She grabbed the roll of kitchen towels. “I thought I was, but after seeing what Cara has gone through, I can’t recommend it to anyone. Yes of course, rape victims should not be forced to have a baby, but it’s not like it’s going to un-rape them.” She pulled off a sheet of the kitchen towel and wiped her eyes.
“I can’t comment on that,” I said. “I don’t want to comment on that – I can’t imagine being in a situation like that. Do you know there’s some stupid American politician who said on air that you could only get pregnant from consensual sex – so he’s out and out calling rape and incest victims liars.”
“I wish that were true,” Niamh sighed. “It wouldn’t just make things easier, but I would love to think that every baby is conceived in love. I mean, that’s what makes Christianity so nice – to think that God made himself a weak, helpless baby!”
I was impressed that Niamh had made the connection of God’s coming to Earth – it’s drummed into you every Christmas, but so awesome when you come to believe it. But I was thinking of women who were coerced into conceiving – women who were trafficked for sex. How many of them had to undergo abortions, or have their baby taken from them, never to be seen again? Oh Lord, how can the miracle of birth be turned against people?
Niamh reached out and took my hand. “I said a prayer for Cara today in church. If what you said is true, that God forgives her, I’d like her to feel it.”
“It’s not an if; God does forgive our worst sins.” I squeezed Niamh’s hand.
Niamh smiled through tears. “I’d like to learn more about this God.”
I took this as an opportunity to share with her. I poured us both more tea. “You know, there is a bit in the Bible, in the book of Matthew, where someone comes to Jesus to ask him what the greatest commandment is. He says there are two: Love God with all your soul and mind, and love your neighbour as yourself. Jesus says everything is contained in those two commandments.” I watched Niamh as she considered this.
“The love God part is obvious, and the one that everyone seems to remember,” she said slowly.
“But they don’t remember the love your neighbour part,” I concluded for her. She nodded.
“When you think of a religious person…like I used to think of you, you think of someone who condemns, who points fingers, someone who’s all right with God, but you’re not. But love your neighbour as yourself is not just about not being a hypocrite…it’s put yourself in their shoes.”
Something became clear in my head at that moment. “I think that’s why I was so annoyed by the pro-life movement,” I realised. “It’s exactly what you described – I’m all right with God, but you’re not. I can’t offer support to a raped girl; I’m too busy impressing God by telling her she can’t have an abortion. I can’t show forgiveness to someone like Cara, who had an abortion – never mind the fact that God has forgiven me for all my sins, just like he has her.”
Niamh thought this over. “You said God forgives our worst sins…that’s everyone. If I’m forgiven, you’re forgiven.”
“God doesn’t have a scoreboard – all sin is evil to him. So I can’t say to you, yeah, I’m bad, but you’re worse.”
“Even if I’m a mass murderer?” Niamh asked.
I remembered how hard this was for me to understand. “God doesn’t think like a human. All sin is sin. If that mass murderer repents, just think of the horrible guilt he must have when he realises what he’s done. He usually doesn’t repent, so he saves himself from feeling bad, but he misses out on being forgiven.”
“So all he needs to do is repent?”
“Well, you can’t earn salvation…it’s yours already. Repenting puts a light on the truth…you’re already forgiven, but you don’t know it.” I hoped I hadn’t confused Niamh, as I remembered how long it took for me to take this in.
“That part about shining a light on truth makes sense…it’s not about your confession, it’s about understanding how what you did goes against what God wants.” She was a lot quicker than I was! “And if you understand that, you don’t want to do it anymore.”
I couldn’t help but be a little jealous. “Do you know how long it took me to get that?” I reached over and gave her shoulder an affectionate squeeze.
She gave me a mock punch. “Well, see it from my point of view. I’ve just become a Holy Joe, someone I used to hate!” She smiled at me. “Well, I’m not going to apologise to you anymore for being so hateful…I know I’m already forgiven!” With that, we both laughed, and then carried our mugs of tea to the sitting room, where we would have a nice chat. I had a nice Sunday afternoon despite not going to church.