The point of the dinner party was to get Kate to explain things to Niamh; that part went well. Kate was much better at going through feminist rhetoric, in ways that actually made sense and didn’t sound angry. She agreed that women were always seen as weaker, and therefore more likely to be exploited, but that shouldn’t give anyone the excuse to hate men.
“It’s like what we teach in school about bullies,” Kate explained. “Usually it’s the kid who has esteem issues or problems at home who picks on others.”
Cara was liberally helping herself to white wine. She snorted, her face pink from all the wine she’d already had. “I don’t know about that,” she slurred. “When I was at school, it was the most popular girls, the good-looking ones with boyfriends who made life a misery for others, lording their good luck over others!”
Kate wasn’t buying that. “If you were truly happy, you wouldn’t need to bring someone else down,” she argued. “You wouldn’t even have time to think about it – you’d be too wrapped up in your own perfect life.”
Niamh shook her head at Cara. “I agree with Kate…people who pick on others have deep-seated problems!”
Cara rolled her eyes, and drained her glass. I moved the wine bottle out of her reach. Considering the topic of discussion, Cara was a perfect example of someone wallowing in their own misery and lashing out at others. I’d never seen her drink so much so quickly. She reached for the bottle, but I held it away from her. “It’s my wine,” Cara whined at me.
“I think you’ve had enough,” I told her.
“You’re such a goody two shoes now!” Cara said in disgust. “I remember the good old days, when you were fun. But then you had to go and become a Christian, all because you figured God couldn’t dump you like your boyfriend!”
There was a collective gasp around the table, and tears sprang to my eyes.
“That was a horrible thing to say!” Niamh hissed at Cara. I put the wine down and wiped at my eyes with my napkin. I wasn’t going to dissolve into tears – not again!
Cara laughed, lunging for the wine bottle. “You’re the one who used to say that!” she cackled, pointing a finger at Niamh. Niamh turned beet red, and reached across the table to put her hand on mine.
“I’m so sorry…I did say that once, when I was in a bad mood…I apologise!”
That was the old Niamh I used to dread. I could picture her saying it, too. New tears rolled down my cheeks, but I squeezed her hand. She had apologised for it, and I could see she was sorry. Kate reached over and took my other hand.
“Ooh, look, it’s a prayer circle!” Cara said sarcastically. She let go of the bottle and held out her hands to Kate and Niamh. “Don’t forget about me!”
Kate had had enough of Cara. She slapped Cara’s hand down. “Just what is your problem?” she asked her.
“I don’t have a problem,” Cara retorted, uncorking the wine bottle and pouring herself another glass. “Just because I’m not in your little God group or marching against sex trafficking doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me! Did you ever stop to think that you’re the bullies? That you need me to have a problem, so you can feel better?” Cara raised her glass at the stunned silence. She swallowed noisily. “Nothing wrong with me,” she sniffed.
Niamh let go of my hand to fold her arms across her chest and glare at Cara. “Nothing wrong?” she echoed in a low voice.
Cara slammed her glass on to the table. “Shut up!” she hissed at Niamh.
Even though she was doing her best to look furious, I could see my little sister was scared. She wasn’t drunk anymore. I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my hand. “Cara?”
She wouldn’t look at me. She and Niamh seemed to be having a silent fight, their eyes locked on to each other. “Don’t say anything!” Cara spat.
It was my turn to be frightened. “Cara, what’s wrong?”
“None of your business!” Now Cara’s eyes were wet.
Niamh stopped looking angry. She looked concerned. “You should tell your sister,” she said to Cara.
It sounded so serious. I glanced at Kate, who shrugged slightly. She didn’t know what was going on, either.
Cara was doing her best to fight off the tears, like I had done, just a minute ago. “There is nothing to tell,” Cara declared, her voice cracking. She grabbed her wine glass. “Now let’s all shut up and have a drink, and keep talking about all the bad things in the world.” She tried a spritely laugh, but it sounded hollow.
Niamh wasn’t going to let go of whatever it was. “You’ve got to tell…” she said to Cara. Cara shook her head. Niamh stayed firm. “If you don’t, I will.”
Cara slammed her glass down on to the table again. “You’re a fine one!” she told Niamh. “You used to hate Lisa, and make fun of her. You said she was so holier-than-thou and so judgemental. And now you can’t get enough of Saint Lisa. Would you ever pick a side of the fence to be on?”
“I was wrong,” Niamh countered in a calm voice. “And things have changed.”
“What’s changed?” I asked. “What’s going on?”
Cara was crying silently, but she kept her mouth firmly shut. She wouldn’t look at me, but kept her eyes on Niamh. Niamh was mouthing something at her, something I couldn’t read. Cara shook her head stubbornly, and Niamh let out a huge sigh.
“Cara had an abortion,” Niamh said.
“NO!” Cara screamed, and leapt to her feet.
Niamh was crying now. “I said I would tell!” Cara turned away from her, and went to the window. “I had to say something! You’ve been miserable-“
“SHUT UP!” Cara thundered, turning back to Niamh from the window.
In shock, I was glued to my seat. Kate sat open-mouthed beside me. Niamh looked to me. “She cries herself to sleep every night lately,” Niamh told me. “I think now is the time the baby was due-“
With a shriek, Cara leapt on Niamh, hitting at her like a madwoman. Kate sprang into action, pulling Cara off Niamh, like she would fighting schoolgirls. She held Cara firmly, trying to soothe her into calming down, but Cara would have none of it. She wriggled in Kate’s grip.
“Don’t you act like you’re upset!” she yelled at Niamh. “You were all for it! You’re the one who gave me the name of the clinic!”
“It’s true,” Niamh confessed tearfully, looking at me with sad eyes. “I thought it was the right thing at the time…but now…look at her! I was wrong!” NIamh got up and approached Cara in Kate’s arms. “I was wrong!”
I was speechless, and motionless. I sat and watched as Cara tried to lash out at Niamh, but Kate held her arms. I saw my little sister in pain, crying and shouting at her weeping friend. I couldn’t move. My heart was broken.
“Lisa,” Kate prompted. Everyone turned to look at me, but still I could say nothing.
“Come on, Lisa,” Cara wept. “Tell me I’m evil, and that I’m going to hell! I killed my baby!”
Each word was like a fist to my gut, but not for the reasons anyone would think. It physically hurt me to hear my little sister call herself evil. I found my feet, getting up out of my chair and running to my sister, taking her from Kate and into my arms. She wailed like a hurt little girl, and I pressed her face against my heart. “You must have been so scared!” I whispered to her. “You thought you were alone…!”
Cara was howling, like she did when she fell off her bike and broke her arm when she was ten. Niamh joined me in holding Cara, who wouldn’t stop keening like a wounded animal.
“She needs counselling,” Niamh was telling me, nearly shouting to be heard over Cara. “I keep telling her she should have gone to post-abortion care, but she won’t hear anything about it!”
I felt Cara shudder at the word abortion, and I understood. “She’s ashamed,” I told Niamh, and Cara started howling anew. I stroked her hair, like my mother used to when we were upset.
“I killed my baby,” Cara wailed. I shushed her, rocking her in my arms. She looked up at me. “I’m sorry…so sorry!”
She was apologising to me? She wasn’t saying she regretted what happened. From the hopeful way she looked at me, I could see she needed my approval. She felt she had let me down!
“Oh Cara, don’t say you’re sorry to me,” I said, sounding harsh. “You don’t have to say you’re sorry to me!” I amended quickly. She gulped for air, looking terrified.
“God hates me!” she concluded in a whisper. I shook my head fervently, and Kate joined in the group hug.
“He forgives you,” Kate said. “He doesn’t hate you!”
I took Cara’s face in my hands. “No one hates you,” I assured her.
“I did something bad,” she said. I nodded. She had.
“You’re forgiven,” I told her. I took her into my arms alone, now, holding my little sister close. Kate took charge, pulling Niamh aside to find out about post-abortion counselling. We had to get Cara help.
In her agitated state, Cara regressed to being a naughty little child. “Don’t tell Mum and Dad,” she pleaded. I laughed a little, and shook my head. After all she’d been through, Cara was still worried most about what her family thought of her. “I’m so sorry,” she said to me again.
I kissed the top of her head. “I know,” I told her. “And God knows, too.”